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January 11th, 2020...

They let me know to get ready for Compassion. WHAT?! Instantly, my heart takes over with a flood of happiness. Beyond this world it fills my thoughts, soul, and body.

I have never bird bathed so fast. The joy I am feeling at this time from hearing this news gave me a boost of energy that made me feel like a little kid. Nothing else matters right now. I don’t want this day, nor this feeling, to end! We were delayed a bit due to the foggy weather, and as much as my old way of thinking wanted to take my thoughts into a state of anger over the custody not letting out on a timely matter, my meditation practices kicked in right away...I let this thought pass by, as I consciously watched it trying to grasp at anything in me. The old me wasn’t around for it, though. The day was so damn incredible. I cried! I f-in cried in front of everyone! Not like a bawling cry, but it was big for me. I felt relief and a big weight lifted from within me. As a child, I cried so much that it was just beaten out of me, no matter how much I pleaded for a moment of mercy to the man I called “Father”. It only got worse, so one day, a switch turned off in me and I put that little, crying kid into a deep, dark, and soundproofed room and locked him away because he only made it worse for me. Why care to cry if it didn’t register as a fuckin’ sign to my dad to stop? The reason I was able to let it out at the age of 33 years old on this day was due to the exercise we did with Paulo (a new volunteer visiting from Colorado), in which we went around expressing our internal feelings. By the time it was my turn to elaborate on my feelings, I cried inside like 20 times. As much as I tried to contain it, I just couldn’t, and it surfaced and found the light it needed to begin the healing. The reason my grandmother’s battle with dementia hit me so hard was because she was a person who gave me comfort, love, and a sense of protection. Every time I am with her, she no longer recognizes me. It just destroyed me and still does. One of the few people who gave me everything is no longer with us consciously. I really hope I can hug her one last time in a visit before I lose her. She is the reason I have my long hair. Come to think of it, she was the one who planted the seed of change within me back in October 2006. Wow!

When I came back to the cell, I felt elated but exhausted. I like to think of the feeling of being exhausted not as a negative, but as a positive. We have been living, eating, thinking, and speaking “NEGATIVITY” every day of our lives. Every Compassion Saturday, that changes and everything we do is positive; seven hours of non-stop “POSITIVITY”. We aren’t used to it, but it fulfills us overwhelmingly. I literally come back every time and lay down to sleep. It takes time to start the catabolism of the negative cells and DNA that is ingrained in us. We need to rewrite our whole being...I want to go to sleep with all this positive energy and begin a new day tomorrow. Good night. A blessed day for sure.

The most important (thing) I have learned is knowing how to look deep within myself and finally accept that I am a broken man, depressed with deep rooted trauma which I carried with me all my life, like a parasite, thinking it was a normal way to (live.). The moment I was shown that vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a strength and I was amongst loving nurturers, I removed the false security of denial and I learned to forgive myself and everyone who harmed me.

Compassionate Member, David M.

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